My life in a nutshell, part 1.

I really think Im cursed. Everytime i take one step forward, i fall two steps backwards. Nothing feels right anymore, nothing even seems right. im losing my perception of what is and what isnt. Maybe its just my mind.
Anyways, how are you world?
Its been a few days, I hope your Xmas is fine.
Ive been wanting to get something off of my chest for awhile,
so i think ill do so here.

but the thing is, its my life story.
so.... here it is.

I was born in Tulsa, Oklahoma on January 19th, 1993. I was premature. My mother was only 17 and my father was 19. they werent married. I was an accident.
Before I was the age of seven, I moved 12 times, 3 of them being in texas, the rest in tulsa and coweta.

My parents seperated, and my dad got me every other weekend. it was customary to me, so i thought nothing of it.
When i was 4, my mother had Jeremiah, my brother.
when i was 5, Zachary.
the point is, my mother has had six kids, and I am the oldest.

When i was seven, we finally settled in Downtown tulsa, where i attended Kendell-Whitter for four years. My mom had just married my stepdad, Tony, who at the time, didnt drink.

Four four years, i attended that school, until we found a better house, in Broken Arrow. Then, I went to Oak Crest for my 5th grade class. I was an outcast. I didnt know anybody. I fell into depression.

6th grade. I was in a bad shape. My stepdad would beat me. He'd get drunk and high and just destroy me. I couldnt take it. Im not one of those people who just sit and do nothing. So..
I acted.

On November 12th, 2005, I went to a safe place. It just so happened that on that day, my grandma died too.
My stepdad went into a frenzy.
He destroyed everything i owned and called my real dad.
I went to live with him.

skip ahead six months, Im back in BA, things are going good.
Seventh grade was pretty uneventful. Had my first GF. Got my first taste of a relationship.
Eighth grade was alright, nothing important.
and then,
9th grade.

I moved to Arkansas.
That is all i will tell of the story for now.

10th grade still gives me the chills from the memories and the love lost.

I had my first kiss in 10th grade, and that was when i first fell in love.
for six months, things were perfect.
then, i was heartbroken.

The girl i thought i loved told me she cheated on me. that was my first touch with suicide.
But it is also where i met one of my closest friends.
At the time, I was in a band called Ares Effect. We never played a show and we BARELY got one song down.
but it was fun. greatest time of my life.

It was me on drums.
Jacob on bass
Ty on guitar
and Heather as singer.

I remember the good times i had.

I also remember when the band broke up and i first started having feelings for heather.

After me and the one i "loved" broke up, I started dating heather. things were going excellent.
But those memories of the time i used to have still lingered within my mind.

Then, she started talking to me again.
long story short,
I went back for that girl.
Only to realize that after three months, i didnt love her.
I didnt love anyone anymore.

Then, i had my first run in with death.

Ill have to finish this another time, world.
Til next time..
Justice.

That new car smell.

I woke up and smelled a new car this morning. it was odd.
But oh well. I guess im just a freak.
So, what is up, world?
I forgot to post yesterday, so
I figured Id make this one extra special.
Im just... not really sure how!

So, not much has happened recently, it being the
holiday seasons and whatnot.
Oh well.
Maybe a little less happening in my life isnt such a bad thing.
Or maybe it is? Only time can tell.

So, let us get down to business..
I have come to the conclusion that I, Justice,
have no life.
All i do is sit in my room and play guitar.
Or drum.
Or sing.

I guess one cannot blame me for that, since it is winter, i dont have a car and therfore,
its hard to go anywhere.
Just wait til summer, haha.
I will be a figment of your imagination.

So, I had the strangest dream.
I had a dream I fell in love with a girl.
But the girl, was secretly plotting to kill me.
She pretended to be really sick.
So, being the nice person i am, attempted to help her.
And she stabbed me.

That is when my imagination took over.
The walls of the room turned into grinders.
I was safe.
But the girl...
She was turned into a gooey red paste.
Pretty fucked up, huh?

Well, thats enough for now.
Have a great Christmas eve, everyone, and remember.
Dont drink the Koolaid.

man of many experiences

ive seen way too much for a kid my age.

ive seen friends become enemies.
enemies become best friends.
Ive seen honest people lie.
and ive seen the worst people comfort someone in need.

Ive seen saints sin.
ive seen sinners pray to god.

Ive seen the best things happen to the worst people.
IVe seen the worst things happen to the greatest.

Ive been beaten,
Ive been broken,
Ive been defeated.

But im not dead yet.

Sometimes, i wonder "why am i not dead?"
Then i realize.
Im stronger than that. Im too good to give in to that.
Ive got my friends to live for, what little i do have.
And i realized that.

Today I lived life like i want to, everyday.
It was the greatest feeling in the world.
You know what I say?
Fuck drama.
Fuck pushovers.
Fuck fake friends.

I have my friends. Those who will never leave me.
I know where my heart lies.

And remember.

Im not dead yet.

Goodnight, world.
And good luck.

The fifth day of the rest of my life.

So, im at a loss as to what to do.
Ive become a shell in the sea.
Hollow, and alone,
Drowning beneath the surface.

I keep clinging to the hope that tomorrow, I will wake up, and everything will be fine.
my parents will stop drinking.
My family will at least TRY to love each other.
And some beautiful girl will come into my life,
and sweep me off my feet.

But, as I said last night,

"Ive been in hell for four months now. I need an angel to pull me up,
before the devil drags me down even deeper."

I really dont know what to think anymore,
except that i cant give up hope.
I may have given up on the girl.
I may have given up on myself.
But im not giving up on anything else.

All I really have now is my six string,
that wonderful music device.

Music is probably my one true love.

It's so emotional and so powerful, one could rule the world with music.

With music,
You can prove a point.
You can save a life.
You cal fall in love.

In the end, we have three things.
Love.
Memory.
and Music.

You know what?

Girls are mean. They really are. I will never understand them.
F
M
L

Burying myself.

Thats exactly whay I think I'm doing with my pursuit of a girlfriend. I have a feeling that im going to find a girl (or get the girl I want) and only be let down. Be heartbroken.
Ive been heartbroken before.
It sucks.
But a single quote flows through my mind..

"It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all."

Amen.

I hate how I can't get this certain girl out of my mind.
It like a bad song you hear on the radio,
echoing throughout my cerebrum,
the things i want.
I want a relationship.

I dont even know why Im still single..

Im mildly cute.
I play guitar.
Im very mature.
Im not one of those guys thats hits it and quits it.
hell, ive never "hit it" at all.
I dont even WANT sex.
I just want someone who wants to be with me.
who will hold me when im sad.
who will laugh with me.
who will love me.

I guess its kind of ironic.
The two things they say are blind are Justice.
and Love.

Sigh.

Its cold.

Really cold. Its one of those days when I wish I had someone to cuddle with.
Id trade this hoody for a girl in a heartbeat.
But to some girls,
that's not good enough.

So, how are you, world? This is only my second post, but I feel like im beginning to connect with you a little more. Which is good. Will save me from going mad some day, right? right.

SPEAKING, OF MADNESS
I feel like one of the reasons i started this blog is so that
A. I dont feel alone and
B. So i can talk to myself and not be considered crazy.

Christmas is just around the corner. I have to say, I'm starting to hate christmas a little more and more each year. You know what drives that insufferable hate, burning deep within me?
Couples.
You heard me.
Couples. Im tired of seeing people holding hands, being happy. Im tired of seeing two love birds, sitting at a bus stop, cuddling.
Grr.
I guess I just hate it because I envy them.
I may be a hopeless romantic.
But Im also human.

FML. 'Nuff said.

Welcome to my life

So, where to begin? My name is Justice. Easy enough to figure out, eh? Im named after a musician's son, so for obvious reasons, music is a big part of my life. Im about to be seventeen and I live in Oklahoma, but im not sure if its okay to disclose exactly where..

Im one of those guys who enjoys life as much as one can, due to the death of a friend awhile back. But lately I've been falling in depression. I guess thats one part of why I started this. That, and also because my freind Kayla told me I should.

So, what to talk about? I love playing guitar. It is my release. It is my own personal euphoria. What kind of music do i play, you ask? Just about everything. Ill play everything from Kings of Leon to Belie my Burial to My Chemical Romance. Its just what I do.

Another important thing about me: Im a hopeless romantic. Ive been "In love" a few times, but lately been giving up. It seems as though there isnt that perfect girl out there for me, or even a girl at all. Ive dated a few that werent perfect and was just fine with it. I rarely open up to anyone. But recently, I did. I dont want to say her name, but I used to have the hugest crush on this girl. Then something happen and we didnt see each other for a very long time. So, for obvious reasons, when I started talking to her again, I opened myself up to her.
But I have the uncanny ability to make anyone seem annoyed with me. After certain events happened, she pretty much ended it before it began. But Im over that. If she wants to be blind and selfish, be my guest. Im better than that. But i did tell her that id be there for her. Always.

Im guessing that that's good enough for my first post here, and i hope I can post many many more.

-Justice